Going back to work

Warning, this post contains themes of Mental Health.

Today is the last day of my medical leave, and it has been a long journey.

For the longest time I have had passive suicidal thoughts. Passive suicidal thoughts as in feeling like if something were to happen to me, it would be okay. During the pandemic my mental health has been in a steady decline and some personal conflicts arose. My passive thoughts slowly became more active and the triggers in my life were becoming more and more frequent. I was using self harm to try to keep myself away from suicidal thoughts. I was spiraling. I had to suddenly leave work because the treatment program contacted me and gave me a start date that was less than a week away.

Since then I took medical leave from work and been going to the program almost every day, all day long for six weeks. And the doctor in the program recommended that I do not return to work till March 1st. I have been spending my time healing. I been slowly removing the stressors in my life and spending time on myself.

I am not recovered yet and I am not sure if I’ll ever be fully healed. But at this point I do feel like I am in a position where I could both work and heal at the same time.

Please wish me luck tomorrow in my return to work.

If you are struggling with Depression, Anxiety or thoughts of suicide, there is help available.
There are various different hotlines that you can call that specializes in people of different locations and identities. Also if you are in the US you can call the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255